Skool Blog Diary 5: Leave of Absence

I've gone through college with a major I've hated and if I could get a job from it, I can get back the dough I've wasted. But because of what we learned, half of it doesn't qualify for a real job. 

I've gone through stuck-up financial officers who should have really worked at a police station if they continued to maintain that "don't come hither" expression. I have never meet people who didn't want to do their jobs more than financial aid people. The atmosphere between me and the financial aid officer at College #1 got so wrought that it forced me to transfer to College #2. However, I learned it wasn't only College #1 that failed in its advertisement. College #2 was not any better. 

With the help of the FAFSA (the only hero in my life), I paid my own tuition fees. I have also been supported financially by my parents, but I hate taking money from them for something that I should have taken care of myself. It is embarrassing to take money from your parents when you know in your heart that you're not doing shit to deserve or if something fruitful will ever come out of it. Notice I did not say "supported emotionally". 

I have never taken a loan out once. It was really tempting. Even my mother almost persuaded me to do it. But I know how ruthless they are and I also know how stupid I am. Say I forget one month to pay the agreed payment, suddenly I have dogs sniffing for my dead wallet/body. So no loans.

[Cue the dramatics.] Hi, my name is Asma. I consider myself a failure. 

I think I'm tied in this tag of war of life. The side that pulls towards what I really want to do (which took me my whole adolescent life to come to a conclusion to) vs. what will give me a career and my parents satisfaction. I have realized what a naive person I was four years ago. Fresh out of high school, thinking that the world was really here to help me. But really, it was devised to punch, kick, scratch, and run away you over so that you have pick yourself up every single time. I've gotten hit and beaten so many times, beginning the spring of my sophomore year. I lived in darkness, a deep depression, that made my family reminisce about how fun I used to be. I've tried to explain my feelings of impending doom to my mother but she would simply brush it off or get hurt herself at my bad energy. 

I'm clearly disappointed of the position I'm in now. Because of me, I didn't have the strength to stand up for my dreams. Because of me, I wasn't given the proper confidence or support for my artistic endeavors. Because of me, I wasn't trusted enough to try out my potential. Because of me, I wasn't able to voice my opinions well enough to be understood or taken the correct way. Everything I wanted to do something or any opportunity I had to express myself felt like a burden to others instead of fun for me. 

Now, I've taken a leave of absence from school. I will not return until the fall semester. I've only attended one official week of school this year and I signed out the next because I couldn't take it any more. 

I'm buzzing with ideas and plans. But I'm scared I won't do any of them. Like not fulfilling the promises I've made to myself, or being scared to try something new. I've already been brought down my mother more than once. She's told me to search for a full-time job because she doesn't like me staying home and doing "nothing". She's told me that even if I become a loser who hasn't accomplished anything besides getting her degree, that she'd still love me. Somalis aren't that great when it comes to empathy. I've disappointed my mother and father so many times. I don't want to disappoint them again.

To hear my mother say that she always known my ideas were too big and that I should just live a simple, easy life and that I can hate her later hurts me. I don't want that to come true. I don't want to hate her but I also don't want to fall into her prediction. I'm concerned that I might become a aimless, depressive, unprofessional loser who wasted her last year of college.

I pray that I accomplish everything I want to accomplish without getting discouraged and show the sides of myself that I've suppressed all this time trying to be a someone I knew I wasn't.

- Asma


[P.S: When I thought things were finally going to come together for me, guess what? I lost my flash drive the day I signed out of college. I can never catch a break. Two and a 1/2 years of collected research, drafts, and tips. Gifts to the world that I must forget and start from scratch. Don't feel too sad for me. I've been through it all by now.]

Skool Blog Diary 4

Is it weird to fall asleep during a lab class?

Is it OK to hate your major so much that you wish you could drop out?

It's only been a week and I can't wait any longer. I was sincerely thinking what would happen if I took off this semester and really focused on my writing, then come back on the fall.

I thought about some pros and cons to taking a leave of absence.

PROS

1. I could focus on getting different work opportunities and building my profile, which I haven't yet. Using this blog, I'll try to publish my writing on different platforms.
2. I could work more. Get them extra hours when I need them. I really want to buy a DSLR camera and Wacom tablet to start my creative plan. I could save the money I make it instead of using it everyday on hot chocolate and donuts.  I also have to pay for my classes myself with the help of financial aid, so I can save up for those.
3. I commute, so I couldn't enjoy good healthy meals from home. I somehow made it a habit to order a medium sized hot chocolate with whipped cream and a jelly donut everyday. I would be rather in a sugar coma all day suppressing my unhappiness than making something nice from home  can enjoy free homemade meals at home. Now I promised myself to really reduce the amount of sugar, diary, and bread I ingest.
4. I could devote some time to working out and getting back in shape. My self-confidence has gone down mainly due to my lack of satisfaction with my body. I really have to create a work-out schedule that I can stick with.
5. I love to sleep in and I love to sleep late. I can stay up and catch up on sleep, because I know that during the semester, especially if I have 8:00 am classes, I can't sleep the way I have to in order to survive in college.
6. I could FINALLY take the road test for my drivers licence and quit taking the stupid bus. 
7. Since I make more time, I can do the salat more.

CONS

1. I'm a little nervous that one semester will be lost. I'm afraid I'll never be able to graduate if I keep going like this. It'll be some extra time to wait and work hard. Really, I'm not a hard working person if I don't like what I'm doing. I don't put the effort into things I know I should to succeed in because ultimately I set myself up to fail.
2. I might not even do any of the things I plan to. I can be a very unmotivated person. I found I  have to trick myself to make a change and so suddenly it becomes a habit. If I skip or miss one day, I go back to being the same.

I've done pretty well so far, but I want to do better.

Stay tuned for Skool Blog Diary 4: Shocking or not so shocking news.

Skool Blog Diary 3

I found a new group called The Legend today. I was going to start a reaction channel on YouTube. and I was thinking about making this my first reaction. But I couldn't wait and watched it anyway.

I don't know what I was excepting, but I was very judgmental. I completely shut their song out of my head. However, when I saw the YouTuber reactions to the music video and they strongly recommended the group to their viewers to check them out.

So, I gave them a shot, watched their old music videos and interviews, and I realized they sang really well, were talented and really cute. The new song "Crush On You" is really good too. I already have it on my phone and I've been replaying it all day. I think I fell in love.

I need to trust my instinct. I knew I was going to like them after I watched their trailer. Their visuals and the beat were really my style. I just would give them a chance. I don't know what I was thinking. If I had filmed it, it would have been a really dull reaction.

Lesson Learned Today: Stop being judgmental over new music for artists you don't know yet. I do this all time that I sometimes forget to share my love.

Additional Notes:

*I caught B.A.P's sudden V app early in the morning. They looked really good. Himchan in the blond hair. Jongup had his natural hair back - no more silver. I was also struck by how happy and cute Yongguk look, too. Daehyun showed up for a little bit.

*I've been very quiet today and silently seething at how uncool I really am. I must succumb to my embarrassing qualities.

*I really do want to start a react channel or a channel in general to start learning how to make and edit videos. I have to get at least 1 hour of complete alone time so I can concentrate.

Asma

Skool Blog Diary 2

1/20/16

Still getting used to school.

I missed the bus I was supposed to take to school. 

Luckily, there was a taxi at the bus stop and I took it. 

I felt bad because I couldn't pay him the full amount he asked for. 

My parents will never know that I rode a taxi by myself for the first time. 

Today, I had molecular biology. I thought Allah has playing a sick joke on me. "Why is he being so nice to me?" I thought. But as expected, the teacher seemed nervous, small in front of the class, and running out of breath. She wasn't prepared at all. I started staring at the clock and falling asleep in between checking. 

Almost fell asleep on the bus, too. So slow and soothing. 

I have so much homework already. I seriously considering dropping out. I have zero money to buy books or pay for the rest of my tuition. I can't go to the job fair to look for a new job because I have to work at my actual job. 

Watched iKON and BAP's V apps.

I went to my sister's school band concert. I played like I didn't want to go. But I went to support her. Because nobody else could or would go. I wanted to play an intrude meant when I was little and now the opportunity was given to her. You have to support kids and their creative activities. It helps them develop. I've been stunted. I have no one to blame because I didn't even have the backbone to stand up for myself chasing after my art. 

Note: I need to stop giving people money. No. Don't even think about asking. 

*This is my space for complaining since I don't have a human recording device. Therefore, I feel like I'm heard and understood after I've condense my thoughts. Please don't mind.

Asma. 

Skool Blog Diary 1

First Day of School: Spring 2016

I woke up at 6 am to get to an 8 am Organic Chemistry II class in the freezing cold with a new coat I have to break in. I'm scared for this semester because I failed Org Chem I with a big fat F.

I had to wait four hours for the next class. I watched Monsta X's Right Now Ep, 3 on 1theK in the library. Then I watched B.A.P's Killer/Healing Camping trip.

The next class was Molecular Biology. Suddenly, the teacher comes in looking like one of those white people that say they love sharks and parasites are their best friends. One of my friends from middle school was in my class. When the teacher decided to play introduction games (which I hate), we were sat in front of each other. We started talking and he is a chemistry major and his favorite class was glassblowing. I don't really care. I just have to remember for the next class, because she'll ask. The glassblowing class seems cool. I wish I took more classes that I liked.

Another guy in class has the name Khalid and his family is from Jordan. I said to the class I could pronounce his name better. "Kh"alid.

"She's the only one who can call me that," he said.

Proving again that when I meet people for the first time, I am the most charming, funny, together person. After that, there is no follow up game. There is nothing that insures I'll keep being charming, funny or together. Why do I have to learn names if I'll ever see these people again? I don't want to get to know them or remember their names because I forget them the moment I meet them. Heartless. I know.

Honestly, if all goes well, this will be my last year as a college student. I've 7-8 classes left. Spring semester I'm taking four class, in the summer I hope to take two, the fall maybe three.

I've already spin into my old habits: Eating Dunking Donuts (a hot chocolate, chocolate chip muffin, and a jelly donut!), accidentally overpaying for the bus, watching videos during long break periods when I should start homework.

I really enjoyed myself during break: sleeping in late, making food for myself, watching videos, laughing, starting this blog, fangirling, dreaming, and writing.

February is already a long month, what will I do?

P.S. At work, I made a suggestion that give me the suggestion never to give suggestions. When I create my own agency/company, my employees can make all the suggestions they want and I will hear them out.

Asma