This might take a long time to read. It may seem like I'm babbling but I promise it took me forever to figure the best way to word this thought-piece.
Here goes:
Let's talk about fitting it. I wanted to talk about this for a long time. The question is about the problem with fitting in if you were me is that I don't know how to and I never figured it out because nobody helped me to and even if somebody did tell me, I already came to the conclusion that fitting in really wasn't for me. Instead of fitting in, I just happened to find that I was better at standing out.
I’ve always wondered what life was like to have friends. I've read many stories about it, watched a lot of beautiful movies, seen plenty of examples online, but I've never had any real true first-hand experience. I was never allowed to hang out with kids after school. No sleepovers meant no way to have a real conversation. Simply because they weren't Muslim or Somali, girls, or they didn't have the same value system as my family. This all made me question every acquaintance I ever contemplated on starting "friendships" with. Getting stuck down that road, I got bored of people too easily. I got annoyed by the whole process, the endless personal questions, the lack of connection, the distance between hearts and intention.
Sure, I’ve had people I called friends but I’ve also been burned many times. Most were my fault and a lot happened because I was unable to handle the situation and as a result, I ignored the problem until it went away. So did a possible friend. I’ll give you two examples:
In fifth grade I finally had a group of friends. They taught me how to draw. We studied together and eat lunch together. But they played video games. Games I had no idea about because I wasn’t interested in them. Whenever the conversion came up, I would sit watching it happen. There was no real way I could participate besides asking silly questions and I hated that. One day during recess, we were sitting in our circle talking about games they already talked about all week. I got so frustrated I started crying, begging them to talk about something I could talk about too. They were all so surprised and I wondered why? Couldn’t they see that as their “friend” I was wasting away in the sidelines? Was I ignorant or immature?
In 8th grade, I was friends with an Iranian Muslim girl. I introduced my family to her. I walked back and forth from school with her. We talked about boys, but only boys she liked. She never really introduced me to her family. That way, when something really bad happened between her and a family member, I couldn't help because she didn't want to be helped. A scandal arose and in my haste, I ended the friendship. It was a month before school itself ended.
All in the pursuit to fit in and have something common with people, so that this would never happen again, I started to research a lot. Just to learn about how kids my age behaved and what they like talking about, here my knowledge of many different areas of entertainment began. Things like old black-and-white films, films white people swear by, rock, rap, black and white comedy, anime/manga, every type of book imaginable, etc. Never video games, though. I tried really hard but dipping my toe into every genre didn’t make me gain new friends—it just made me broaden my horizons over the small world I was dwelling in and made me think more about improving myself.
I feel this way with KPop too. Am I here because I like squarely KPop or am I subconsciously looking for a community? Some way to express my opinion to others who might absolutely like the same things as me. That way step 1 is complete.
As I grew up, I realize that you do need a genuine conversation in order to get closer to people, but then I wonder why do I need to get closer to people if I wouldn't hang out with them anyway. I had no freedom outside my house. I had no way to meet them or hang out, and I didn't want to. Basically why was my wasting my time thinking so deeply about this war in my head between keeping my own space and making friends? This has become a question that's haunted me my whole life because I really do want to have friends. I really do want to get to know people and let people get to know me. But the initial awkwardness, the drag of it al, the scheduling, the declining, the hurt feelings. It's so annoying and too much to handle. I don't want people up in my business all the time. I don't want people to be asking me what I'm doing. I don't want people to know where I'm going. I don't want people to care about my favorite colors and the gifts they're gonna buy me for my birthday. I don't want care to save me from emotional investment. But then I do care because I do want to have friends. I want to have special moments and I want to have a birthday party and give somebody else a birthday party. I want to show much I care about somebody and all of their favorite things and see how much they care about my favorite things. I want to know what types of food they would like to eat together. I want to know how we would hang out with each other and how long we could leave each other alone before we forget about each other.
So many contradicting thoughts about friendship because I would rather be alone then make somebody else go through the happenings in my mind. If somebody really wanted to be friends and I wasn't giving in, I’ve wasted your time. I play push and pull really well. So well that I’ve reached the point that I’ve pushed somebody out of liking me. As if ignoring them is going to make them come running back. As if avoiding them is going to make them want to be my friend more. Just know if you were my head, you would understand.
Some questions I have are childish but I still think necessary:
How you get close to somebody? That's what I want know. How do you get more intimate? How do you get to the point where you are together but you don't hate the sight of each other? How do you get to the point where you want to see that person even after 24 hours of spending the day before together? How do you not get annoyed with somebody? How do you care about somebody's inner feelings and do they care about your inner feelings? How does that not surprise you that somebody's caring about your inner feelings? They've never done that before. How do you keep your friends in a way that shows your true self and doesn’t hide the ugly? Just lets the person know and they understand and accept? How do you do that?
In a group friendship setting, what if someone in the group doesn’t like you? What do you do? Do you get to ignore that person or do you appeal to them so you can get closer? How do you do that? But what if you don't like them? What do you do after that? There’s all these rules that nobody tells you that you’re expected to figure out yourself? How do you figure it out if you can’t filter the basic circumstances? How do you do better at something if you don't know how and should you care about hurting the other person's feelings because you know that if somebody came up to you like that you'd be hurt? So what would you want the person to say to you if the shoes were on different feet?
For me, the difference between “friend” and “friend friend” is that you talk about your true feelings to each other. You care about what the other person saying. You listen intently. You're not annoying. You don't do too much; you do just enough. Do you know how each other works? Do you know how to take care of each other when the other person is sad or going through a rough time? Have you meet each others families and do their families accept you? Do you go to places together and can people see that you’re friends? Do you talk in a conventional conversationalist way or as if you were siblings your whole life? How do you get to the point where the people you work become your friends? How do you get to the point that one day your kids will be friends with each other? How do you overcome harder obstacles without breaking up the friendship?
Talking about friendship so much is so hard. At this point you'd rather be alone. How do you get to the point that you are asking yourself where do you find friends?
I've always envied the way boys make friends and take care their friendships. They are always very simple. The rules are all laid out, even though they're not explicitly known. They plainly tell each other what they like and don’t as each other's friends. If they do have troubles, it is either financial, disrespect, or because of girls. As you have noticed (if you've read this far), for girls, it's even harder because one little thing can piss you off and it will seriously become a touchy issue of the entire year until something new comes up. Everything for girls is an issue—from the words you say, to the looks you give, to the way you present yourself. You gossip more than you talk about the situation. Sometimes you'd rather not be friends with them. You rather be friends with yourself because you know you can handle problems you create way easier than working through friends. I've always wanted to look for ways to make female friendships easier but that takes a lot of work that I really don't want to do because you have to develop a friendship first. Too much work.
This topic was about fitting in and having friends that results in having intimate relationships. How do you find that if you don't fit somewhere? I wouldn't know. Maybe I'll come to know and tell you guys later. Right now I'm sitting alone in my room with my computer watching KPop videos and boys laughing, being friends with each other and working together. The only girls I've seen being as
close friends as boys in KPop is MAMAMOO. They’re the type of friends that I hope to have one day. Hyper, loud, full of giggle for actual funny stuff, touchy, care about you when you're sad, cheer you up when you're feeling exhausted, and confront you when you make a mistake. Let’s be perverts together, together like an extended family.
Here goes:
Let's talk about fitting it. I wanted to talk about this for a long time. The question is about the problem with fitting in if you were me is that I don't know how to and I never figured it out because nobody helped me to and even if somebody did tell me, I already came to the conclusion that fitting in really wasn't for me. Instead of fitting in, I just happened to find that I was better at standing out.
I’ve always wondered what life was like to have friends. I've read many stories about it, watched a lot of beautiful movies, seen plenty of examples online, but I've never had any real true first-hand experience. I was never allowed to hang out with kids after school. No sleepovers meant no way to have a real conversation. Simply because they weren't Muslim or Somali, girls, or they didn't have the same value system as my family. This all made me question every acquaintance I ever contemplated on starting "friendships" with. Getting stuck down that road, I got bored of people too easily. I got annoyed by the whole process, the endless personal questions, the lack of connection, the distance between hearts and intention.
Sure, I’ve had people I called friends but I’ve also been burned many times. Most were my fault and a lot happened because I was unable to handle the situation and as a result, I ignored the problem until it went away. So did a possible friend. I’ll give you two examples:
In fifth grade I finally had a group of friends. They taught me how to draw. We studied together and eat lunch together. But they played video games. Games I had no idea about because I wasn’t interested in them. Whenever the conversion came up, I would sit watching it happen. There was no real way I could participate besides asking silly questions and I hated that. One day during recess, we were sitting in our circle talking about games they already talked about all week. I got so frustrated I started crying, begging them to talk about something I could talk about too. They were all so surprised and I wondered why? Couldn’t they see that as their “friend” I was wasting away in the sidelines? Was I ignorant or immature?
In 8th grade, I was friends with an Iranian Muslim girl. I introduced my family to her. I walked back and forth from school with her. We talked about boys, but only boys she liked. She never really introduced me to her family. That way, when something really bad happened between her and a family member, I couldn't help because she didn't want to be helped. A scandal arose and in my haste, I ended the friendship. It was a month before school itself ended.
I feel this way with KPop too. Am I here because I like squarely KPop or am I subconsciously looking for a community? Some way to express my opinion to others who might absolutely like the same things as me. That way step 1 is complete.
So many contradicting thoughts about friendship because I would rather be alone then make somebody else go through the happenings in my mind. If somebody really wanted to be friends and I wasn't giving in, I’ve wasted your time. I play push and pull really well. So well that I’ve reached the point that I’ve pushed somebody out of liking me. As if ignoring them is going to make them come running back. As if avoiding them is going to make them want to be my friend more. Just know if you were my head, you would understand.
How you get close to somebody? That's what I want know. How do you get more intimate? How do you get to the point where you are together but you don't hate the sight of each other? How do you get to the point where you want to see that person even after 24 hours of spending the day before together? How do you not get annoyed with somebody? How do you care about somebody's inner feelings and do they care about your inner feelings? How does that not surprise you that somebody's caring about your inner feelings? They've never done that before. How do you keep your friends in a way that shows your true self and doesn’t hide the ugly? Just lets the person know and they understand and accept? How do you do that?
In a group friendship setting, what if someone in the group doesn’t like you? What do you do? Do you get to ignore that person or do you appeal to them so you can get closer? How do you do that? But what if you don't like them? What do you do after that? There’s all these rules that nobody tells you that you’re expected to figure out yourself? How do you figure it out if you can’t filter the basic circumstances? How do you do better at something if you don't know how and should you care about hurting the other person's feelings because you know that if somebody came up to you like that you'd be hurt? So what would you want the person to say to you if the shoes were on different feet?
For me, the difference between “friend” and “friend friend” is that you talk about your true feelings to each other. You care about what the other person saying. You listen intently. You're not annoying. You don't do too much; you do just enough. Do you know how each other works? Do you know how to take care of each other when the other person is sad or going through a rough time? Have you meet each others families and do their families accept you? Do you go to places together and can people see that you’re friends? Do you talk in a conventional conversationalist way or as if you were siblings your whole life? How do you get to the point where the people you work become your friends? How do you get to the point that one day your kids will be friends with each other? How do you overcome harder obstacles without breaking up the friendship?
Talking about friendship so much is so hard. At this point you'd rather be alone. How do you get to the point that you are asking yourself where do you find friends?
I've always envied the way boys make friends and take care their friendships. They are always very simple. The rules are all laid out, even though they're not explicitly known. They plainly tell each other what they like and don’t as each other's friends. If they do have troubles, it is either financial, disrespect, or because of girls. As you have noticed (if you've read this far), for girls, it's even harder because one little thing can piss you off and it will seriously become a touchy issue of the entire year until something new comes up. Everything for girls is an issue—from the words you say, to the looks you give, to the way you present yourself. You gossip more than you talk about the situation. Sometimes you'd rather not be friends with them. You rather be friends with yourself because you know you can handle problems you create way easier than working through friends. I've always wanted to look for ways to make female friendships easier but that takes a lot of work that I really don't want to do because you have to develop a friendship first. Too much work.
This topic was about fitting in and having friends that results in having intimate relationships. How do you find that if you don't fit somewhere? I wouldn't know. Maybe I'll come to know and tell you guys later. Right now I'm sitting alone in my room with my computer watching KPop videos and boys laughing, being friends with each other and working together. The only girls I've seen being as
close friends as boys in KPop is MAMAMOO. They’re the type of friends that I hope to have one day. Hyper, loud, full of giggle for actual funny stuff, touchy, care about you when you're sad, cheer you up when you're feeling exhausted, and confront you when you make a mistake. Let’s be perverts together, together like an extended family.
The end.
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