So, as pretty much the whole world knows, Suga (or Min Yoongi or Agust D) releases his long-awaited debut solo mixtape.
This could be the possible the best that ever happened in the month of August in my lifetime. An early birthday gift to me. Thank you, Yoongi.
Today I had a horrible day. I worked in a building where there is no air conditioner in hijab for minimum wage. Sweating, I drove, for the first time, to another city to my university. I got hooked at three times because I still haven't corrected my habit of looking both ways before I enter a busy road. I almost crashed into several cars. I had to brake really hard twice. The turn into the street by my house does something really scary to my car and I don't want to think about it anymore. I basically saw my life flash before my eyes more times than I need today, from either heatstroke or car accident.
I kinda made my sister a tiny BTS stan, so as soon as I came home she run at me with the news that Suga dropped his mixtape. My first thought was not "Awesome!" or "Even Suga, you lifewrecker", but "What can I punch?" I was so furious with my day that I was again mad that Suga's mixtape couldn't make me excited.
We watched "Agust D" in complete silence. More like I watched with hands clasped over my open mouth and my sister sat in fear that I would to start to become violent. First without subs, second with subs.
[Warning: From this point forward, I will curse/swear/cuss. Don't be surprised.]
Honestly, I was fucking speechless. The quality of the music video. The fucking beat that sounded like Kanye or Kendrick could have produced it. The level of "I don't give a fuck anymore". His gorgeous face and the length of his hair. The smug, arrogant, cocky person we love to fawn over. I felt like I was watching how far he's come. His entire life in one storyline.
It took me a couple of hours to recover and finally sit and listen to his mixtape on SoundCloud. Thankfully fans have posted english translations to all of the songs. I haven't seen any translations for the skit yet. Maybe later...
But here are my thoughts on each song:
Agust D - The song really tells people to jump the fuck of the highest cliff God has ever made. "Sorry but not sorry for my being fucking awesome". I saw credits that said that Namjoon and Hobi participated in the gang vocal. You can clearly hear Rapmon and J-Hope in the background doing the "Hey ho" and various whoops. It made my hearts swell to again be reassured about how much they care about each other to support Suga with his solo, just like they did for Rapmon and Hopi's solos.
give it to me - What the hell is this sample? I love it. I crave it. I didn't know I need it until I heard it. Looking back at it now, I felt like this was Suga's monster. Imagine if Suga was swallowed up by No-Face from "Spirited Away" and it screamed "GIVE IT TO ME! MONEY! FAME! ALCOHOL! EVERYTHING THAT FEELS GOOD! GIVE IT TO ME!" People would crawl all over him in order to get half of what he has, just like the characters run for gold in the movie. "Let them fight", he would say, as all of his resentment and anger fulls in him and makes his No-Face stronger.
724148 - Starting with what I believe is a traditional Korean strings sound, we ride a West Coast beat on a time machine in which we visit Suga's journey through music. From his music academy in Daegu to getting out of Daegu to auditioning at BigHit's rap festival with his crew to getting called out to Seoul. Followed by money struggles and graveyard shifts and jealousy of rich kids who squander their money. He at last makes a chilling vow: Just watch, you'll see me on TV.
140503 At Dawn - First of all, the sounds of him stretching and getting ready to work and record is the sound of all artists make as they fight internally with their craft and the real world. So as I understand it, his trauma begin as he started being serious about his music and intensified during his trainee days. Existing without people to confide in, pretending not to be afraid of the world. He feels like prisoner in his own mind. An creator lost in a maze of his own creation hating his creation.
The Last - Here he explains further. This is where fans started talking about his mentions of mental illness and why it was so important for him to share that information. To tell the truth, I have this strange connection with Suga. Maybe it's because in a way that he's gone through similar experiences as me, like imposter syndrome, depression, and insomnia. Maybe it's his persona, the "I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck" attitude that I wish I had. Maybe it's because before getting to know myself better, I actually didn't like Suga for his obsession with numbers, ranks, and charts, or his devil-may-care logic. Once I learned more about my own insecurities and true personality, I realized that I sympathized with Suga. That I was basically him, but as a girl. In short, this song made me cry. The rawness of fear that depression uses to consume you. The way he asks it to stop. please. How he forces his disbelievers to see just how well he's doing now and dares his fans, friends, and family to stop worrying now, HE'S FINE! Now we know why he wasn't on Show Me The Money.
Tony Montana - I pray for you, too Suga. Pray for me, that I will work as hard as you did. Personally, this is not my style of song but I can appreciate the lyrics.
So Far Away (ft. Suran) - The final rollercoaster. I truly feel like Suga is the only one who truly understand. Poignant lyrics. An epic fucking guitar solo. A tear streaked face. I feel like if this was played at a Suga concert, this song would be the end of a set just before the encore. The song has an encouraging quality about it. Like Suga was telling me everything was going to be ok and I believed him, while still being extremely validating and recognizing my struggle. I'm so happy Suran is on this track. More people will learn about her and her amazing vocals now. I love her voice so much. She sang so well on this song. She really took me higher. Note: I think Kookie was supposed to be part of the background vocals in the chorus but I couldn't hear him too well.
Finally, I wanted to say I'm going to my own low right now as well. After much reiteration, I think my family understand my actual plans, even though they don't get how much I struggled to understand it myself. I have no real resources or places to go to learn my craft in a way that I can learn it well. I have to finance and learn them all by myself. I have no friend group. No stable connection to the real world. If I hit a low, whether I compare myself to others or become afraid of my potential, I have to dig myself out. And that wastes time. I have no encouragement system or people to go for answers. My last source of anxiety is whether people will even acknowledge my work and give credit where it's due or pass over it, like Yoongi said.
While I figuring all of this out, I believe it was necessary to have a good cry today and get all of my frustrations out. I hope Yoongi/Suga/Agust D takes good care of himself today and in the future while thinking of the ARMY fondly. I want to thank him today and every other day he's lived, because without those hardships we would never such good music. He would never showcase his godgiven talents like this or in any other Bangtan song. I love that he exists and appreciate his hard work. I will infuse his work ethic into my own and use him as my encouragement.
Thank you for reading.
Sorry, not sorry, for all the cursing.
Link provided by BigHit to download 'Agust D' free mixtape
Image Credits:
1, 2, 3, 4
This could be the possible the best that ever happened in the month of August in my lifetime. An early birthday gift to me. Thank you, Yoongi.
I kinda made my sister a tiny BTS stan, so as soon as I came home she run at me with the news that Suga dropped his mixtape. My first thought was not "Awesome!" or "Even Suga, you lifewrecker", but "What can I punch?" I was so furious with my day that I was again mad that Suga's mixtape couldn't make me excited.
We watched "Agust D" in complete silence. More like I watched with hands clasped over my open mouth and my sister sat in fear that I would to start to become violent. First without subs, second with subs.
[Warning: From this point forward, I will curse/swear/cuss. Don't be surprised.]
Honestly, I was fucking speechless. The quality of the music video. The fucking beat that sounded like Kanye or Kendrick could have produced it. The level of "I don't give a fuck anymore". His gorgeous face and the length of his hair. The smug, arrogant, cocky person we love to fawn over. I felt like I was watching how far he's come. His entire life in one storyline.
Agust D - The song really tells people to jump the fuck of the highest cliff God has ever made. "Sorry but not sorry for my being fucking awesome". I saw credits that said that Namjoon and Hobi participated in the gang vocal. You can clearly hear Rapmon and J-Hope in the background doing the "Hey ho" and various whoops. It made my hearts swell to again be reassured about how much they care about each other to support Suga with his solo, just like they did for Rapmon and Hopi's solos.
give it to me - What the hell is this sample? I love it. I crave it. I didn't know I need it until I heard it. Looking back at it now, I felt like this was Suga's monster. Imagine if Suga was swallowed up by No-Face from "Spirited Away" and it screamed "GIVE IT TO ME! MONEY! FAME! ALCOHOL! EVERYTHING THAT FEELS GOOD! GIVE IT TO ME!" People would crawl all over him in order to get half of what he has, just like the characters run for gold in the movie. "Let them fight", he would say, as all of his resentment and anger fulls in him and makes his No-Face stronger.
724148 - Starting with what I believe is a traditional Korean strings sound, we ride a West Coast beat on a time machine in which we visit Suga's journey through music. From his music academy in Daegu to getting out of Daegu to auditioning at BigHit's rap festival with his crew to getting called out to Seoul. Followed by money struggles and graveyard shifts and jealousy of rich kids who squander their money. He at last makes a chilling vow: Just watch, you'll see me on TV.
140503 At Dawn - First of all, the sounds of him stretching and getting ready to work and record is the sound of all artists make as they fight internally with their craft and the real world. So as I understand it, his trauma begin as he started being serious about his music and intensified during his trainee days. Existing without people to confide in, pretending not to be afraid of the world. He feels like prisoner in his own mind. An creator lost in a maze of his own creation hating his creation.
Tony Montana - I pray for you, too Suga. Pray for me, that I will work as hard as you did. Personally, this is not my style of song but I can appreciate the lyrics.
So Far Away (ft. Suran) - The final rollercoaster. I truly feel like Suga is the only one who truly understand. Poignant lyrics. An epic fucking guitar solo. A tear streaked face. I feel like if this was played at a Suga concert, this song would be the end of a set just before the encore. The song has an encouraging quality about it. Like Suga was telling me everything was going to be ok and I believed him, while still being extremely validating and recognizing my struggle. I'm so happy Suran is on this track. More people will learn about her and her amazing vocals now. I love her voice so much. She sang so well on this song. She really took me higher. Note: I think Kookie was supposed to be part of the background vocals in the chorus but I couldn't hear him too well.
Finally, I wanted to say I'm going to my own low right now as well. After much reiteration, I think my family understand my actual plans, even though they don't get how much I struggled to understand it myself. I have no real resources or places to go to learn my craft in a way that I can learn it well. I have to finance and learn them all by myself. I have no friend group. No stable connection to the real world. If I hit a low, whether I compare myself to others or become afraid of my potential, I have to dig myself out. And that wastes time. I have no encouragement system or people to go for answers. My last source of anxiety is whether people will even acknowledge my work and give credit where it's due or pass over it, like Yoongi said.
While I figuring all of this out, I believe it was necessary to have a good cry today and get all of my frustrations out. I hope Yoongi/Suga/Agust D takes good care of himself today and in the future while thinking of the ARMY fondly. I want to thank him today and every other day he's lived, because without those hardships we would never such good music. He would never showcase his godgiven talents like this or in any other Bangtan song. I love that he exists and appreciate his hard work. I will infuse his work ethic into my own and use him as my encouragement.
 |
| Fuck the haters. |
Sorry, not sorry, for all the cursing.
Link provided by BigHit to download 'Agust D' free mixtape
Image Credits:
1, 2, 3, 4
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