hi, it's me.
i feel a bit sad these days. i haven't written anything of substance on my own in a long time. i felt very discouraged for a long time. i haven't read anything nice in a long time. i haven't lifted a pen to write a scene or even a couplet. even writing this is hard. organizing my thoughts seems so difficult these days. there is zero motivation behind my fingers.
i don't even go outside if it isn't for work. i sleep late. my knees hurts. nobody cares. i have big dreams and big plans but there's nothing i can do anything right now. nobody believes i can do it and that makes me want to prove them wrong. even kpop doesn't make me as happy as it used to. cuz i get jealous of idols who are good at things they practice at and have family, friends, and fans that support them and encourage them.
i destroy my self esteem thinking about what i'm doing here, right now, and how it will help in the future. nothing. i'm doing nothing and it won't help me in the future. i'm wasting my time and only living to save money for goals i wish i could reach.
i hate feeling needy but i do. i wish i could get some affection somewhere. i love seeing kpop idols hug each other and play with each other and work so well together. i know and i see that it's hard but their communication levels are so refined. I can barely say "good morning" to my father. i want to have friends that hug me, laugh with me, make stupid jokes with me, be awkward with me, and work with me. i'd people to care for me. if one day somebody noticed and confessed like K-idols do, "i just want to say thank you to asma because she always takes care of us. she loves the people around her and always want them to reach their potential. she makes us laugh and makes sure to listen our worries and suggestions. i want to thank her for teaching me how to behave in this business and taking care of me until now. i appreciate her. i love her. she like my big sister." i would bawl. my tears would never stop because i've never heard sincere, tender words directed towards me. when i become successful, i would love hear my family's thoughts about all of the trouble it took to get there.
all i do now is eat, sleep, work, go to the bathroom, watch youtube, and laugh nonsensically. i hope that i get out of this rut and get back to loving my work again. i hope that everything that's been going wrong for me lately will correct itself. i hope all of my stressors become my allies. i have nothing more to wish more but good health and strength to carry on.
i apologize for the drama i presented and for writing in all lowercase letters. even though i typed this much i don't have the energy to press the shift key. grammer also doesn't seem to matter as much anymore.
thank you for reading. don't be like me. *sniffles*
i feel a bit sad these days. i haven't written anything of substance on my own in a long time. i felt very discouraged for a long time. i haven't read anything nice in a long time. i haven't lifted a pen to write a scene or even a couplet. even writing this is hard. organizing my thoughts seems so difficult these days. there is zero motivation behind my fingers.
i don't even go outside if it isn't for work. i sleep late. my knees hurts. nobody cares. i have big dreams and big plans but there's nothing i can do anything right now. nobody believes i can do it and that makes me want to prove them wrong. even kpop doesn't make me as happy as it used to. cuz i get jealous of idols who are good at things they practice at and have family, friends, and fans that support them and encourage them.
i destroy my self esteem thinking about what i'm doing here, right now, and how it will help in the future. nothing. i'm doing nothing and it won't help me in the future. i'm wasting my time and only living to save money for goals i wish i could reach.
i hate feeling needy but i do. i wish i could get some affection somewhere. i love seeing kpop idols hug each other and play with each other and work so well together. i know and i see that it's hard but their communication levels are so refined. I can barely say "good morning" to my father. i want to have friends that hug me, laugh with me, make stupid jokes with me, be awkward with me, and work with me. i'd people to care for me. if one day somebody noticed and confessed like K-idols do, "i just want to say thank you to asma because she always takes care of us. she loves the people around her and always want them to reach their potential. she makes us laugh and makes sure to listen our worries and suggestions. i want to thank her for teaching me how to behave in this business and taking care of me until now. i appreciate her. i love her. she like my big sister." i would bawl. my tears would never stop because i've never heard sincere, tender words directed towards me. when i become successful, i would love hear my family's thoughts about all of the trouble it took to get there.
all i do now is eat, sleep, work, go to the bathroom, watch youtube, and laugh nonsensically. i hope that i get out of this rut and get back to loving my work again. i hope that everything that's been going wrong for me lately will correct itself. i hope all of my stressors become my allies. i have nothing more to wish more but good health and strength to carry on.
i apologize for the drama i presented and for writing in all lowercase letters. even though i typed this much i don't have the energy to press the shift key. grammer also doesn't seem to matter as much anymore.
thank you for reading. don't be like me. *sniffles*
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