I've been so out of sorts these last two weeks. I'm happy about another semester gone by, but I have been in despair about another 4 months wasted doing something I hate and wishing to be working on what I want.
I started listening to all of my older music collection and I fell back in love with this song: "We Cry" by The Script.
Again after a two weeks of school kicking my ass and self-doubt and hint of laziness, I'm working on some new posts. I just have to write them.
Please anticipate.
The semester's almost over. (dance) The semester's almost over. (dance)
The semester's almost over. (dance) The semester's almost over. (dance)
The semester's almost over. (dance) The semester's almost over. (dance)
The semester's almost over. (dance) The semester's almost over. (dance)
So I was thinking today you all need a song recommendation within the effed-up reality show of an administration. I picked "Thank you" by MKTO.
Read the lyrics here (they are poignant):
Yo, this one right here is for all the drop out-of-schoolers.
The future cougars, the Mary Jane abusers.
The ones that chose to be losers, for all the Misfit Kids and total outcasts MKTO.
This one's for you role models.
We are the ones, the ones you left behind.
Don't tell us how, tell us how to live our lives.
Ten million strong, we're breaking all the rules.
Thank you for nothing, 'cause there's nothing left to lose.
Thank you for feeding us years of lies.
Thank you for the wars you left us to fight.
Thank you for the world you ruined overnight.
But we'll be fine, yeah we'll be fine.
Thank you for the world you broke, like yolk and it ain't no joke.
So cold and there ain't no coat, just me, my friends, my folks and
We better do what we like.
So raise that bird up high and when they ask you why.
Just stand there laugh and smile.
We are the ones, the ones you left behind.
Don't tell us how, tell us how to live our lives.
Ten million strong, we're breaking all the rules.
Thank you for nothing, 'cause there's nothing left to lose.
Na na na na
Na na na na na na
Na na na na
Na na na na na na (Thank you)
Thank you for the times you said, "Don't make a sound."
Thanks for the ropes you used to hold us down.
'Cause when I break through I'ma use them to reach the clouds.
We ain't comin' down, we ain't comin' down
Look, ma, I finally made it, this world is too damn jaded.
My life is just like Vegas, go big, go home get faded.
Been a problem since '92.
Can't shut me down curfew and them girls I'll take a few.
Do what I wanna do.
We are the ones, the ones you left behind.
Don't tell us how, tell us how to live our lives.
Ten million strong, we're breaking all the rules.
Thank you for nothing, cause there's nothing left to lose.
Na na na na (hey)
Na na na na na na
Na na na na
Na na na na na na
Na na na na (hey)
Na na na na na na
Na na na na
Na na na na na na (Thank you)
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
From head to toe from the soul you ripped apart.
I say, "Thank you", I say, "Thank you."
Yeah oh, thank you
We are the ones, the ones you left behind.
Don' tell us how, tell us how to live our lives.
Ten million strong, we're breaking all the rules.
Thank you for nothing, cause there's nothing left to lose.
We are the ones, the ones you left behind.
Don't tell us how, tell us how to live our lives.
Ten million strong, we're breaking all the rules.
Thank you for nothing, cause there's nothing left to lose. (Thank you)
Na na na na (Yo if you don't like what they tell you to do)
Na na na na na na (Don't do it)
Na na na na (If you don't want to be who they want you to be)
Na na na na na na (Screw it)
Na na na na (It's your world, it's your life)
Na na na na na na (And they ruined it)
Na na na na (Role models, tune in, turn up)
Na na na na na na (Drop out!)
Since I am not in any sort of position to protest or fight with this stupid tanning salon of a government, and all I can realistically do is shake my head at the news and laugh at late night comedy shows, I'd like to thank MKTO for making a song that let me vent passive aggressively.
This song came out in 2013. Four years later, it feels like we are living in the same wrapped reality where we have to constantly be aware of our morals and the people we associate with. In the song, they refer to "10 million (millennials) strong with nothing left to lose". They are incorrect. I am a millennial, who at this point, has a lot to lose. If I stop my hustle now to focus on these crises, I will lose all of the hard work I put in to graduate college with a Bachelors in Bio-Medicine. However, I do feel gross when thinking that people are suffering everywhere and there is nothing I can do to help them except cry, moan, and complain.
I don't know. Basically, I heard the song on shuffle in my iTunes and I thought about you all.
This semester has been another rough one but after taking this week, as it was Spring Break, off, I think my wounds from the disapproval of myself from these past few exams have healed. I can write to you guys again. Hope you didn't miss me too much. Hehe.
I'll start posting some new stuff gradually in short bursts, maybe, about what I've been thinking and doing. I spend most of my spare time retweeting or liking things on Twitter or Instagram. Thank you for waiting. Mwah!!!!
Hi, everyone. I'm back with a quick thought. Thanks for waiting.
I just wanted a chance to explain the state I'm in right now:
So, my Baabo (father in Somali) is back home safe from Somaliland yesterday. He was jet-lagged, hungry, and obviously stopped by customs and profiled. But after an hour of questioning, he finally arrived back home. He was questioned by an agent, whom I understand was told to do something by the government they work for, but he still gave his name and number to the lawyers to be added to a lawsuit against the administration.
Today, my Baabo (dad) is traveling to Somaliland for a two-month trip. He'll be back in February, but if he gets a good opportunity, he might stay there.
My Hooyo (mom), for the past week, has been a nervous wreck and has been going out of her mind, preparing this trip for him. Last night and this morning when we were leaving, she was so anxious that she was pacing around the house looking for more things to pack up for him. We had to take her car to the train station and she was driving. Bad idea. She was braking a lot and commenting a lot about how weird she was feeling. My father told her that he could drive if she wanted and she got out of the car with the door open. She even said that she doesn't know why she wants to cry right now. I had to keep telling her to calm down and breathe in and out. When he left, she couldn't take a nap and when she did fall asleep, she woke up looking like the world had asked her to run its circumference.
I thought it was really cute that she was acting like that. I've never seen my mother get fluttered (I don't know the right phrase) over my father and it was nice to see, even though it was during an extreme moment. This is going to sound really bad, but I've never witnessed Somali love, affection and appreciation between married couples first hand, so to see it today in its morphed form was refreshing. I hope to one day show Somali love as a mainstream phenomenon.
My mother has always misunderstand my feelings of depression and my language during those times. What's been kind of cool to see is my mother going through some of the things I've been through this fall. I comment of this coincidence sometimes, because I don't want to seem pretentious. I hope that she notices the similarities someday.
Another thing I want to remember today was that I paid for my dad for the first time. It was for an extra carrier that cost $175. It was momentous. I'd never paid for him before. I'm saving that receipt.
P. S.
I also was nervous. When I'm nervous, I make horrible jokes, laugh awkwardly, or become uncomfortable silent. My Baabo seemed to be nervous, too. When he was pulling out his passport for check-in, his hands were shaking so badly that I kinda felt bad for him.
My hundredth post was about John Mayer and how I wished his album would arrive soon.
sigh....... #stillpissedbutwaitingpatiently
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all for sticking with the whirlwind of a blog. I started this blog January of this year. I wanted to have a space where I could talk about my thoughts and opinions about the entertainment fields I was interested in because my family was sick and tired of talking about celebrities and I didn't have any friends around. Even when I had friends around, they could never understand how a "smart, Muslim girl" like me could know so much about pop culture and music. I always upset me, but still I loved the gossip, the business, the lovely memories I've made, and the stories each project would tell.
How is everybody??? I missed you all. Writing entertainment nonsense people don't care to listen to me talk about is my forte and I missing writing to you!!!
I just wanted say thank you to you guys, the people who read, for checking up on me. I see two or three people from all over the world come back every day and visit to see if I've written anything new that day. Does that mean you like what I write? Could that be true? Or are you secretly mad that I don't post as often that you are passive-aggressively visiting my blog? First of all, I'm sorry. Honestly. However, if my family, college, work, and in general LIFE, doesn't leave me the freak alone for 5 hours a weekend to write and edit one blog post, then I hope you guys can understand why I can't write like I used to.
I still have things I want to talk about and opinions I want to express, so thank you again for bearing with me and being there for me as I struggle to find my voice in this overwhelming world.
Now, as I preview the next blog posts coming soon, I'm "Still Wishing There Will Be Better Days" together.
I need to take control of how I spend my money. I've spent so much recently buying things all in the goal to make me feel happier. Many of the objects I realize now I don't need.
And now, I want to buy a wacom tablet and an acoustic guitar. I know. Stop myself, but I'm still going to anyway.
I am also in a battle with myself to buy B.A.P's new song "That's My Jam" and BLACKPINK's debut songs "WHISTLE" and "BOOMBAYAH".
AND Madtown will comeback with part 2 of their "Emotion" album. I can't!
Protect my savings. And I'm going to keep looking for a better job.
Dear all Somali young man who are literally dying to come to America, here's a little pep talk.
Listen, Cousin. I know you want to come into America but I can not marry you for that to happen. What Hooyo said is true. I have no time for this. I have to finish college, work, and live my own life. Living in America is a dream that becomes a nightmare. Don't take it lightly. Personally, I think you will have a better life back in Somaliland if you start a small electronic business. You will create jobs and make Somaliland a better place. Please don't think of me as selfish. Do better in your own life and stop waiting for a handout. Work harder and smarter. Leaving Somaliland doesn't solve anything, but give you and the people around you stress. Try to work within the system Somaliland has created for you. I am working really hard to get my dreams recognized but as a girl, it is not easy. You have all of the luxuries of a young Somali man. People will follow you anywhere. Please study hard and realize your potential. Stop trying to escape from your problems and run toward them! What are you afraid of? Being wrong? Getting hurt? People have gotten much worse. Stand up with your back straight and face your identity. Don't forget this message. Don't run to another girl with marriage scheme. Girls want to marry a stable, caring man, not a man who wants to use them. Enough. Go do something worth being married for.
A few days ago, I listened to the Cracked podcast. (If you don't know about them, you should check it if you like casual journalism about pop culture.) Jack was talking about a phenomenon called "skin hunger". It may sound like an obscure idea but it make sense. Jack already said many of the similar things we think about the name however, if you have an open mind, it only means that you hunger for the lack of everyday affection you can receive receive through casual touch. The podcast made me continue thinking about my last post and the reasons why I "hunger" for affection.
I love hugs. I love the way Somali/Muslim women greet each other, hugging and sharing three air kisses. (Real kisses are for people you haven't since in a long time or for kids and babies.) I love being hugged and giving hugs. Yet I want people to know I won't hug everybody every time I see them. Hugs are special. They must not be trivialized. For me, hugs are for greeting and goodbyes, and an award for once in a while when you are feeling excited or sentimental.
I did a little self-experiment this week on how much I touch my family and how much I let my family touch me. I tested my hooyo (mother) and my sister. I started by giving my mother a surprise hug one day and I was surprised by how well she responded. It made me feel good, then confused, then sad that we got to a point in our lives that a hug must be so foreign to us. My sister used to hug me a lot, and I mean so much that I resented her hugs. I gradually started hugging her again and holding her shoulders. Just being close to her for no reason. She hasn't said anything about it yet, but I feel like I might be a little too much and since then I have backed down a little.
To me, I think the problem for Americans and english-speaking people might be the word is touch. I haven't written once that "I touched my sister" or "I felt my mother", because that would make me look like a weirdo preying on my family. The english-speaking mind works differently because of the many inappropriate aspects associated with these words and sentences. So, I'd like to make this clear: what I'm saying is I'd like a meaningful hug every once in a while responding to the things I do well and randomly so I don't feel invisible to my family or friends.
Come to think of it, when I was in middle school and high school, I never really truly established a level of affection with any of my friends because I was never forthcoming to touch or hug them. Because I didn't know what was appropriate for me as a Muslim or me as a friend. So I chose the easy route-I did nothing. There were some girls who made the decision for me and hugged me hello every time they saw me and it made me feel like they really care about having me as their friend.
Now I harken to the days that I used to kiss my mother and father on the cheek good night and can't anymore because I'm grown. When I used to carry my baby sister everywhere with me in my arms and now she's too big and talks too much. How I get excited every time I meet and am responsible for a baby (as Somalis there has to be a baby somewhere), because there's someone I can love unconditionally for a few hours.
All this to say, I hope you get what I mean. Amiable touch, between males or females, should have some unspoken boundaries, but the end result should always be the same. That you should feel seen and heard and recognized as a fellow human being and a warm spirit.
Sorry for taking so long.
Thanks for reading. And I'll be back soon.
Internet hugs aren't bad, right. I'll give one Oprah-style. YOU GET A HUG! YOU GET A HUG! YOU ALL GET HUGS!!! YAY!
i feel a bit sad these days. i haven't written anything of substance on my own in a long time. i felt very discouraged for a long time. i haven't read anything nice in a long time. i haven't lifted a pen to write a scene or even a couplet. even writing this is hard. organizing my thoughts seems so difficult these days. there is zero motivation behind my fingers.
i don't even go outside if it isn't for work. i sleep late. my knees hurts. nobody cares. i have big dreams and big plans but there's nothing i can do anything right now. nobody believes i can do it and that makes me want to prove them wrong. even kpop doesn't make me as happy as it used to. cuz i get jealous of idols who are good at things they practice at and have family, friends, and fans that support them and encourage them.
i destroy my self esteem thinking about what i'm doing here, right now, and how it will help in the future. nothing. i'm doing nothing and it won't help me in the future. i'm wasting my time and only living to save money for goals i wish i could reach.
i hate feeling needy but i do. i wish i could get some affection somewhere. i love seeing kpop idols hug each other and play with each other and work so well together. i know and i see that it's hard but their communication levels are so refined. I can barely say "good morning" to my father. i want to have friends that hug me, laugh with me, make stupid jokes with me, be awkward with me, and work with me. i'd people to care for me. if one day somebody noticed and confessed like K-idols do, "i just want to say thank you to asma because she always takes care of us. she loves the people around her and always want them to reach their potential. she makes us laugh and makes sure to listen our worries and suggestions. i want to thank her for teaching me how to behave in this business and taking care of me until now. i appreciate her. i love her. she like my big sister." i would bawl. my tears would never stop because i've never heard sincere, tender words directed towards me. when i become successful, i would love hear my family's thoughts about all of the trouble it took to get there.
all i do now is eat, sleep, work, go to the bathroom, watch youtube, and laugh nonsensically. i hope that i get out of this rut and get back to loving my work again. i hope that everything that's been going wrong for me lately will correct itself. i hope all of my stressors become my allies. i have nothing more to wish more but good health and strength to carry on.
i apologize for the drama i presented and for writing in all lowercase letters. even though i typed this much i don't have the energy to press the shift key. grammer also doesn't seem to matter as much anymore.
thank you for reading. don't be like me. *sniffles*
So this is a new segment where I'd like to talk about the entertainment connections I made the past week or anytime I make them. For example, you know when you see a actor you recognized from some thing, or you realize to like something, or you're reading something about something you already knew from another source. Things like that.
1. If you guys haven't been watching new "Rush Hour" TV show on CBS, Carter or the actor that plays him, Justin Hires, was in an anti-smoking commercial. My sister and I were watching a YouTube video and the ad came up before the video. We both made such a fangirl gasp. Please watch the show. It's really fun and funny.
2. I was watching the first episode of "Cheese in the Trap" after I finally got what the title meant. Sometimes, I can be a bit dense. But...The lead actress in there, I felt like I knew her from somewhere. After racking my head I hit me. "Memories of the Sword"!!! Her name is Kim Go Eun and she is turning 25 this year. I liked her a lot from that wonderful film (if you haven't seen it, go and come back) and her rusty red hair in the drama. I'm going to watch to rest of the series because I heard the some fans were disappointed by the conclusion and I wanted to check.
*PS. I think I love Seo Kang Joon's character already from the first episode. I even took the time to search up his name. See how much of a fan I am.*
It's already happening. What I didn't want to happen but would have been enviable.
I have seen Somali girls love Asian (mostly Korean) male celebrities so much that Somali boys have condemned Korean entertainment. No!!! They were going to be your role models!!! At least that was what I was hoping for that. Later on in life, after I finish college and learn a little bit more, I wanted start a little something (like an entertainment company). I thought I would have to Asian, Bollywood, and Western actors, singer, and comedians as business and career examples. If a Somali boy or man hears from other men that Koreans are stupid and that Somali women like them better, although that may be true, we can't have them condemn it and write it off. We have to work toward that goal so that people can like us too if we change our image, but reshape our original values as Somali people. I hope Somali men don't become so reckless in comparing themselves to Korean celebrities.
Please, wait for me. It might be a lofty dream but I want there to worldwide recognizable Somali faces with actual marketable talent and I want to do it right - in a way that is modern, Islamic and traditional. If we want to make this happen, we have to do it right.
In the meanwhile, I (aka we) have to learn more about show business, the music and entertainment industry, and publishing.
This could either go really well or I'll be on the first plane to Somaliland tomorrow.
Here is the final draft of the letter I wrote to my Baabo [aka. Aabo or Dad] three days after we had our weekly argument. Things have been really tense between us since I left school. We can't communicate our positions effectively unless one of us screaming (him) or crying (me).
So since this is clearly not healthy, I cleanly explained my position in a email. As you will soon see, this is not the rough draft. The original was written with many bad words and many dried tears. This is the cleaned up version. Maybe I'll share the original later.
Enjoy. And tell me what you think.
I think I shared too much on this damn blog. But I don't care anymore.
I hope I can continue writing and not run out of anything worthy to say. I will say some stupid stuff here and there for balance. Nobody can be prefect every time. *sigh* See.
I see that I've going worldwide a little. I just wanted to check if everything is okay with you guys.
I'm a little nervous because I don't see any comments and I can't tell whether you guys are really liking what I write. Sometimes I think that maybe it's a good thing that I can't see any comments because it might change the way I write, even more than I try to censor myself.
I really wanted to thank you for reading again. I know that I'm going through the beginning stages of blogging now and I'm not sure if I'll be able to continue to deliver good content.
I know I've been a little low lately but please understand that a person can't be upbeat all the time. I go through mood swings frequently. Expect this a lot from this blog. I will go from happy to serious to hysterical to pissed to sad in a matter of days.
People affect me a lot. People also give each other love and support. Things I have experienced but have also been burdened by.
If you do decide to leave comments, say something nice or helpful. I have a weak heart and stomach and will take everything to heart. Kidding but not kidding.
I like a lot of things. A variety of things: people, books, art, music, film, and TV worldwide.
So many things that if I were to support all of them, I would do bankrupt and have no money left for food or water.
I like to talk about my favorite things, too but sometimes I feel guilty because I have no reason to judge the artists whose albums I don't buy, movies I don't watch, and TV I can't not support live. I can't see them in concert or go to the theater on opening day.
Instead, I download music and save pictures. I have a Pinterest devoted to the many things I like. I use YouTube, Spotify, and the local library to find new movies, music, and books. I follow my favorite artists, organizations, and companies on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and other social media platforms to keep up with them and to see the new work they put out.
Because of my background, I can be very unpredictable when it comes buying the things I like. Somalis don't do anything unless it's free or if they are directly faced with an opportunity. If I am lucky enough to have money to buy movies, music, books, and art, I do. Especially if I'm at the used bookstore, Walmart's discount bins, whenever I get an iTunes gift card, I have to buy the best of whatever is there.
I have a lot of thoughts. However, I just have no space to share the subjects I present. So please know this. My inexperienced thoughts are not to be taken seriously because I'm not a real fan. I'm just a person who likes a lot of things and has a lot of thoughts. I give love to them telepathically. I also learn from them for what to do or not to do if I ever wanted to start a company of my own.
I hope to become a real fan one day when I earn enough money.
