I've gone through college with a major I've hated and if I could get a job from it, I can get back the dough I've wasted. But because of what we learned, half of it doesn't qualify for a real job.
I've gone through stuck-up financial officers who should have really worked at a police station if they continued to maintain that "don't come hither" expression. I have never meet people who didn't want to do their jobs more than financial aid people. The atmosphere between me and the financial aid officer at College #1 got so wrought that it forced me to transfer to College #2. However, I learned it wasn't only College #1 that failed in its advertisement. College #2 was not any better.
With the help of the FAFSA (the only hero in my life), I paid my own tuition fees. I have also been supported financially by my parents, but I hate taking money from them for something that I should have taken care of myself. It is embarrassing to take money from your parents when you know in your heart that you're not doing shit to deserve or if something fruitful will ever come out of it. Notice I did not say "supported emotionally".
I have never taken a loan out once. It was really tempting. Even my mother almost persuaded me to do it. But I know how ruthless they are and I also know how stupid I am. Say I forget one month to pay the agreed payment, suddenly I have dogs sniffing for my dead wallet/body. So no loans.
[Cue the dramatics.] Hi, my name is Asma. I consider myself a failure.
I think I'm tied in this tag of war of life. The side that pulls towards what I really want to do (which took me my whole adolescent life to come to a conclusion to) vs. what will give me a career and my parents satisfaction. I have realized what a naive person I was four years ago. Fresh out of high school, thinking that the world was really here to help me. But really, it was devised to punch, kick, scratch, and run away you over so that you have pick yourself up every single time. I've gotten hit and beaten so many times, beginning the spring of my sophomore year. I lived in darkness, a deep depression, that made my family reminisce about how fun I used to be. I've tried to explain my feelings of impending doom to my mother but she would simply brush it off or get hurt herself at my bad energy.
I'm clearly disappointed of the position I'm in now. Because of me, I didn't have the strength to stand up for my dreams. Because of me, I wasn't given the proper confidence or support for my artistic endeavors. Because of me, I wasn't trusted enough to try out my potential. Because of me, I wasn't able to voice my opinions well enough to be understood or taken the correct way. Everything I wanted to do something or any opportunity I had to express myself felt like a burden to others instead of fun for me.
Now, I've taken a leave of absence from school. I will not return until the fall semester. I've only attended one official week of school this year and I signed out the next because I couldn't take it any more.
I'm buzzing with ideas and plans. But I'm scared I won't do any of them. Like not fulfilling the promises I've made to myself, or being scared to try something new. I've already been brought down my mother more than once. She's told me to search for a full-time job because she doesn't like me staying home and doing "nothing". She's told me that even if I become a loser who hasn't accomplished anything besides getting her degree, that she'd still love me. Somalis aren't that great when it comes to empathy. I've disappointed my mother and father so many times. I don't want to disappoint them again.
To hear my mother say that she always known my ideas were too big and that I should just live a simple, easy life and that I can hate her later hurts me. I don't want that to come true. I don't want to hate her but I also don't want to fall into her prediction. I'm concerned that I might become a aimless, depressive, unprofessional loser who wasted her last year of college.
I pray that I accomplish everything I want to accomplish without getting discouraged and show the sides of myself that I've suppressed all this time trying to be a someone I knew I wasn't.
- Asma
[P.S: When I thought things were finally going to come together for me, guess what? I lost my flash drive the day I signed out of college. I can never catch a break. Two and a 1/2 years of collected research, drafts, and tips. Gifts to the world that I must forget and start from scratch. Don't feel too sad for me. I've been through it all by now.]
I'm buzzing with ideas and plans. But I'm scared I won't do any of them. Like not fulfilling the promises I've made to myself, or being scared to try something new. I've already been brought down my mother more than once. She's told me to search for a full-time job because she doesn't like me staying home and doing "nothing". She's told me that even if I become a loser who hasn't accomplished anything besides getting her degree, that she'd still love me. Somalis aren't that great when it comes to empathy. I've disappointed my mother and father so many times. I don't want to disappoint them again.
To hear my mother say that she always known my ideas were too big and that I should just live a simple, easy life and that I can hate her later hurts me. I don't want that to come true. I don't want to hate her but I also don't want to fall into her prediction. I'm concerned that I might become a aimless, depressive, unprofessional loser who wasted her last year of college.
I pray that I accomplish everything I want to accomplish without getting discouraged and show the sides of myself that I've suppressed all this time trying to be a someone I knew I wasn't.
- Asma
[P.S: When I thought things were finally going to come together for me, guess what? I lost my flash drive the day I signed out of college. I can never catch a break. Two and a 1/2 years of collected research, drafts, and tips. Gifts to the world that I must forget and start from scratch. Don't feel too sad for me. I've been through it all by now.]
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